Ever wonder why it can be so hard to let things go and move on when an argument doesn’t have a resolution? Have you thought about why you seem to mostly remember those arguments with your partner that were not worked out? Ever wonder why its difficult to leave some things in the past when there has been no resolution? Why it is we can forget so much but not our unfinished business? Well, one of the several reasons for this is the Zeigarnik Effect–boy, that was a mouthful!
The Zeigar…what?
Well, it’s called the Zeigarnik Effect-the psychological tendency to remember an uncompleted task more readily than a completed one. Zeigarnik’s study was replicated with mixed results but for the most part this finding has held up. So, you will be more likely to remember something with more detail if you are interrupted during the task than if you complete the task. Seems counter-intuitive and perhaps may not be exact in all circumstances. However, when applied to unresolved conflict it may help explain one of several reasons why its so hard to forget and move forward.
So What, How Does this Apply to Me?
We all have had arguments that were not resolved. How frustrating this can be? We have also had arguments in which we were able to have some form of reconciliation or conclusion. These are much less frustrating and we often have little memory for them afterwards. So, arguments or disagreements in which there was no conclusion tend to remembered more. Also, the frustration and negative feelings tend therefore to have more lasting impact. We also tend to recall negative emotions much more than positive emotions-negative bias. Together this means that frequent and abundant non-resolved conflict in relationships can be damaging.
We Don’t Always Agree on What Resolution Means
In our relationships we also may not each agree that resolution has occurred. It’s important that we make more of an effort to check-in with our partner. We can ask what they need for resolution to find the best mutual outcome. To determine if our partner also feels some form of resolution before we move on. You could checking-in by saying, “I feel that our discussion has come to some conclusion for me, how about you? Is there anything else you need?” This is difficult to do and of course we all will struggle with this but practice is essential. Also, this practice may affect how a person feels about their relationship and what their “narrative” is about their relationship.
Create A Positive Narrative
So, as was already said, when we have conflict or “breaks” in the relationship, these unresolved conflicts are better remembered. So, we will recall conflict that did not get repaired. The implication of this is that we will repeatedly recall the “negative qualities” of our partner. This can create a negative narrative of our partner and our relationship. To avoid this consider committing to repairing conflicts, righting wrongs, clearing up misunderstandings. This will help in establishing trust and building a positive relationship narrative. Such endeavors and commitments can lead to a deeper emotional bond. In sum, let’s do what we can to not let the sun go down on our conflicts. Let’s create more of a routine of resolution and repair versus resentment and avoidance.
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If you are struggling to figure out how to negotiate or define resolution in your relationships, please reach out and contact me today.
