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As much as we might love a friend or a partner, if we have a different style of expressing it than our partner, a lot can be lost in translation. As Gary Chapman explores in his book “The 5 Love Languages” (which I summarized here), there are five different ways we express love, and prefer to receive affection in return. Today I will be discussing Words of Affirmation.
When our styles are different, we might be left feeling unloved or uncared for. To avoid this happening, it’s important to understand how each person communicates love and which style they thrive on in return.
(If you are curious about what your Love Language is, check out the official website here to take a quiz, learn more, listen to podcasts, and find a whole bunch of official resources).
I will be writing about each style (Acts of Service, Gifts, Quality Time Together, and Physical Touch), and this week’s is Words of Affirmation.
How to Practice Words of Affirmation
You may benefit from taking a few minutes to pause and brainstorm about your loved one. Write down a list of the things you appreciate about them. Once you get going, you may be surprised at how many things come to mind.
The “What” to Say
Consider both broad character qualities:
- Good listener
- Manage time well and don’t make you wait for them, or risk running late
- Responsible with money
- Hard worker
- First to apologize and make peace after a fight
And smaller things:
- Made you a favorite meal
- Got a new haircut or outfit
- Encouraged you when you were discouraged
- Achieved a new Personal Best time in their workout
- Went to a movie you were interested in more than they were
The “How” of Expressing Words of Affirmation
No matter what is said, make sure that it is sincere and that the other person doesn’t feel like they’ve had to beg you to comment.
Remember, just because their love language is verbal doesn’t mean that you have to say it in person—there are so many ways we can express our love and appreciation through Words of Affirmation:
- A note
- A love letter
- An email
- A text message
- A card, when it isn’t a national holiday or special occasion
- The outside of a paper lunch bag
- A poem, even if it’s silly
- An engraving
The list goes on! There are so many ways to regularly acknowledge the people in our lives. These don’t have to be speeches or even that eloquent. Just saying why we love someone means the world to them—far better than keeping it in our head. No one is a mind reader, and saving our loved ones from guessing will make them feel valued.
The “Land mine” to be Avoided
Every Love Language style can also be used “wrongly” and end up inflicting more hurt. So, remember that if your partner is focused on what you say, the words expressed in anger can be especially damaging. Criticism, insults, or something that you say in the heat of the moment, may not reflect your genuine feelings. It is perhaps quickly forgotten by you. However, it is likely to be remembered much longer by your partner if Words of Affirmation is their primary Love Language.
On the other hand, a genuine and heartfelt apology, can also go a long way to making things right. Your partner will benefit greatly from hearing you are sorry. Especially if you can be specific about what you are sorry about, acknowledge how it hurt them, and that you will work hard not to repeat it.
Words of Affirmation
This just means telling your spouse (or friend, or even your child, etc) what you like and appreciate about them. However, that may be more difficult for some of us than others. If you find it hard to find the right words, or give up because it doesn’t come naturally to you, you are missing a great opportunity to show your affection. Furthermore, if your partner’s preferred love language IS words of affirmation, they are craving to hear you say that they matter to you.
But don’t despair! It does not have to be a huge task. In fact, more frequent comments about the small everyday things you appreciate about them can be very meaningful. Often daily comments are more impactful than a grand gesture that is infrequent or rare.
How to Practice Words of Affirmation
You may benefit from taking a few minutes to pause and brainstorm about your loved one. Write down a list of the things you appreciate about them. Once you get going, you may be surprised at how many things come to mind.
The “What” to Say
Consider both broad character qualities:
- Good listener
- Manage time well and don’t make you wait for them, or risk running late
- Responsible with money
- Hard worker
- First to apologize and make peace after a fight
And smaller things:
- Made you a favorite meal
- Got a new haircut or outfit
- Encouraged you when you were discouraged
- Achieved a new Personal Best time in their workout
- Went to a movie you were interested in more than they were
The “How” of Expressing Words of Affirmation
No matter what is said, make sure that it is sincere and that the other person doesn’t feel like they’ve had to beg you to comment.
Remember, just because their love language is verbal doesn’t mean that you have to say it in person—there are so many ways we can express our love and appreciation through Words of Affirmation:
- A note
- A love letter
- An email
- A text message
- A card, when it isn’t a national holiday or special occasion
- The outside of a paper lunch bag
- A poem, even if it’s silly
- An engraving
The list goes on! There are so many ways to regularly acknowledge the people in our lives. These don’t have to be speeches or even that eloquent. Just saying why we love someone means the world to them—far better than keeping it in our head. No one is a mind reader, and saving our loved ones from guessing will make them feel valued.
The “Land mine” to be Avoided
Every Love Language style can also be used “wrongly” and end up inflicting more hurt. So, remember that if your partner is focused on what you say, the words expressed in anger can be especially damaging. Criticism, insults, or something that you say in the heat of the moment, may not reflect your genuine feelings. It is perhaps quickly forgotten by you. However, it is likely to be remembered much longer by your partner if Words of Affirmation is their primary Love Language.
On the other hand, a genuine and heartfelt apology, can also go a long way to making things right. Your partner will benefit greatly from hearing you are sorry. Especially if you can be specific about what you are sorry about, acknowledge how it hurt them, and that you will work hard not to repeat it.
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