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As much as we might love a friend or a partner, if we have a different style of expressing it than our partner, a lot can be lost in translation. As Gary Chapman explores in his book “The 5 Love Languages” (which I summarized here), there are five different ways we express love, and prefer to receive affection in return. Today I will be discussing Physical Touch.
When our styles are different, we might be left feeling unloved or uncared for. To reduce how often this occurs, it’s important to understand how each person communicates love and which style they thrive on in return.
(If you are curious about what your Love Language is, check out the official website here to take a quiz, learn more, listen to podcasts, and find a whole bunch of official resources.)
I will be writing a post about each style (Acts of Service, Gifts, Quality Time Together, and Words of Affirmation), and this week’s is Physical Touch.
What If This Isn’t Your Love Language?
If you’re not a highly physical person, you might feel uncomfortable or pressured if you know that this is what your partner needs in order to feel acknowledged and cared for. However, there are so many ways to communicate love physically:
- Holding hands
- A kiss before you leave
- A hug when you come home
- Cuddling or sitting against each other when you watch movies
- A hand on their shoulder or thigh when you’re sitting or standing next to each other
- Dancing when you’re at a party
- Brushing your hand on their shoulders, arms or backs when you come into the room or leave for another
- Brushing or shampooing their hair
All these can be quick or longer, but without asking for a lot, they communicate how much your partner means to you. Most important of all, however, is communication. Physical affection has many forms and can take anywhere from a second to an hour. Whatever this looks like in your relationship, it’s important that everything is consensual.
Just because your partner loves to be hugged or kissed doesn’t mean you are obligated to do anything with which you are not comfortable. Simultaneously, just because someone’s love language is physical doesn’t mean they’re going to love any kind of touching. As important as it is to make everyone in a relationship feel loved, it’s also important that everyone feels safe and heard and there’s no better way to accomplish this than an open conversation.
While talking about physical touch might make some of us feel uncomfortable, it’s better than leaving a partner guessing. It’s important that you’re clear with loved ones about your boundaries, what you’re willing to negotiate, and what is important for you when it comes to physical intimacy.
For this love language in particular, being clear and open is crucial. If certain kinds of touch that are important to you aren’t happening, chances are they won’t without having a conversation. A hug or a kiss can communicate a thousand words, but those words are still important.
How To Use the Love Languages
Every Love Language style can also be used “wrongly” and end up inflicting more hurt or disappointment. The benefit of Chapman’s way of thinking about love is to simply be more attentive to your partner. To learn through asking questions how they like to be treated, to intentionally express affection and support for how they want to be treated, and to learn more about what “makes their love tank feel full” first before focusing on your own. Foremost, it must be delivered in a non-demanding, consensual, negotiated manner in which both feel respected and secure.
Additional Reading:
Love Language: Quality Time Together
Physical Touch
This love language, in particular, has the potential to be a breeding ground for misunderstanding and trouble in a relationship. For long-term couples, intimacy can fall to the wayside after those initial honeymoon years pass.
If physical affection is someone’s love language, touch is an emotional expression—it’s how they know that they are cared for and appreciated, and while sex is a part of this, it isn’t everything.
The bedroom does matter, but what happens outside of it can be just as, or even more important. Remember, it’s an expression of love through touch. Playing with hair, a backrub, or a brush of the shoulders when someone walks past: these touches can often be primarily about giving. When they’re done without leading anywhere more sexual, they make the receiver feel truly appreciated, cared for, and can create a feeling of security.
This type of touch is done without expecting anything in return: they’re touching them because they care, because they want to be close, and because they want them to feel appreciated and good.
Of course, this isn’t a one-way street: physical touch should be a give and take with everyone’s needs minded. Maybe sex is important, but this can make your partner feel like hugging them is a means to an end. Intimacy and sex are two kinds of touches, and this should always be remembered. If physical touch is your love language, it’s important to communicate clearly what your touch means as everyone’s different and every type of physical contact can say something unique.
What If This Isn’t Your Love Language?
If you’re not a highly physical person, you might feel uncomfortable or pressured if you know that this is what your partner needs in order to feel acknowledged and cared for. However, there are so many ways to communicate love physically:
- Holding hands
- A kiss before you leave
- A hug when you come home
- Cuddling or sitting against each other when you watch movies
- A hand on their shoulder or thigh when you’re sitting or standing next to each other
- Dancing when you’re at a party
- Brushing your hand on their shoulders, arms or backs when you come into the room or leave for another
- Brushing or shampooing their hair
All these can be quick or longer, but without asking for a lot, they communicate how much your partner means to you. Most important of all, however, is communication. Physical affection has many forms and can take anywhere from a second to an hour. Whatever this looks like in your relationship, it’s important that everything is consensual.
Just because your partner loves to be hugged or kissed doesn’t mean you are obligated to do anything with which you are not comfortable. Simultaneously, just because someone’s love language is physical doesn’t mean they’re going to love any kind of touching. As important as it is to make everyone in a relationship feel loved, it’s also important that everyone feels safe and heard and there’s no better way to accomplish this than an open conversation.
While talking about physical touch might make some of us feel uncomfortable, it’s better than leaving a partner guessing. It’s important that you’re clear with loved ones about your boundaries, what you’re willing to negotiate, and what is important for you when it comes to physical intimacy.
For this love language in particular, being clear and open is crucial. If certain kinds of touch that are important to you aren’t happening, chances are they won’t without having a conversation. A hug or a kiss can communicate a thousand words, but those words are still important.
How To Use the Love Languages
Every Love Language style can also be used “wrongly” and end up inflicting more hurt or disappointment. The benefit of Chapman’s way of thinking about love is to simply be more attentive to your partner. To learn through asking questions how they like to be treated, to intentionally express affection and support for how they want to be treated, and to learn more about what “makes their love tank feel full” first before focusing on your own. Foremost, it must be delivered in a non-demanding, consensual, negotiated manner in which both feel respected and secure.
Additional Reading:
Love Language: Quality Time Together
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