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Have you over felt swamped by your emotions? Do you ever feel overwhelmed by your feelings in situations? Do you notice that at times you get stuck in your emotional responses to life events? Well then maybe you may be getting sunk by the suffering that comes with "dirty pain".
The Anatomy of an Emotional Response
Emotional responses to events in the past, present, or anticipated future have a structure. It can be helpful to notice the components of our responses to events (external or internal). We have the activating event. This is what has triggered the current emotional response. It could be an event or situation or it could be a remembered or anticipated event.
We then have thoughts in the form of interpretations, appraisals, evaluations, and/or predictions about the activating event. This leads to our emotional response. And our emotional response focuses our attention more deeply on the thoughts and the events, and influences our behavioral response. It can be seen this way:
Activating Event -> Automatic Thoughts -> Feelings -> Urges -> Behaviors
Our responses about these activating events determine the degree of pain we may experience. But did you know that looking at and responding differently to two broad categories of pain about the activating event can result in huge benefits in coping with difficult circumstances? Below I will discuss "clean" (primary) versus "dirty" (secondary) pain and how we can cope more effectively by noticing these two sources of pain.
What is "Clean Pain" verses "Dirty Pain"?
So we all can agree that life has joy and pain...and a lot in between. We cannot live life without experiencing pain. Even further, many of our most valued and important areas of life come with pain even if those areas provide us great value and meaning.
Clean pain or discomfort is what immediately or naturally shows up in the form of physical or emotional pain in a situation. For example, if we lose a relationship we feel heart break. It is the natural form of emotional and physical pain that comes from the end of a relationship...a loss. We cannot escape this pain in life. In trying to do so it would mean that we would be opting-out of many of life's meaningful experiences and then we would opt-in for another kind of pain that comes from that avoidance.
As mentioned above there is no avoiding clean pain or discomfort. However, once we try to avoid having clean pain we enter into a struggle. That struggle is the dirty pain which adds more pain to the experience. As Russ Harris (an expert in ACT Therapy) says, "we can have anger about our anxiety, anxiety about our anger, depression about our depression, or guilt about our guilt." We can get locked into judgments and evaluations about the pain, about ourselves for having it or being in the situation, and then engage in unhelpful responses to avoid and/or ruminative internal struggles which amplifying our suffering (Pain + Struggling = Suffering).
Noticing: Cultivating an Observing Self
Painful emotions are difficult and will be difficult. There is no way around this fact. We can instead choose to go through them as we move toward what is meaningful to us by experimenting with a mindful or aware posture to the pain we experience in our life. We can begin to notice "clean pain" and "dirty pain". It is remarkable how just "noticing" these distinctions helps loosen the struggle and frees our coping resources.
Try to notice what shows up naturally and immediately from the painful event (Clean Pain).
- Notice the thoughts, feelings, sensations, and memories that show up.
- Maybe, rank that pain on scale of 1-100 (100 being most pain you have ever had).
- Then notice the struggle with those feelings and experiences. You could ask yourself, "Did I struggle with things I didn’t like? Did I get caught up in criticizing myself? Did I try to push down or ignore my feelings or tell myself I shouldn't have to have these experiences or feelings? Was I trying to distract myself from my experience and emotions and what was the impact?
- Then re-rate your pain or distress on that scale.
- Notice that the pain amplifies when we get fused with our struggles with having it to begin with.
Practice Acceptance: Make Room For It
Think about what it would be like to "make room" for this or these experiences without all of that struggle. What would that be like? "How could I allow for this pain to be a part of my experience of life right here and right now while staying in touch with those things that are important to me?"
As you drop the struggle with the fact you are having pain, does the distress change in any way? Are you more freed up? Do you have more of a willingness to stay connected to what is important to you? You could consider journaling the experience. Notice what "develops" with acceptance or "making room" for the natural or clean pain that often comes along with doing what is important.
Consider that acceptance (actually a loaded word) in this context does not mean liking, preferring, or endorsing. It means noticing and making emotional and psychological space for these difficult experiences and feelings. Specifically, while we pursue important and meaningful aspirations and life directions.
For example, lets say you are struggling with the thoughts you are weak because your are afraid of or anxious about that job interview for a desired position. Notice those judgmental thoughts as what they are--just thoughts. Practice pivoting to making room for the natural discomfort that comes from the stress of the interview. You may struggling less with the fact that you have it. Try to practice making room for it, while directing yourself into preparing and then attending the interview. Surely, you will still have discomfort. You will notice that you will not have as much of the additional suffering that comes with the dirty pain.
Practice Makes Better
Remember, as with any skill practice leads to improvement. Do not expect perfection. We all get caught up in struggles. We have powerful brains with a powerful language system that tends to judge and evaluate. These thoughts and related feelings are compelling to attend to and struggle with. We can all improve and can do so with practice. Try to set this as a practice for a day and then maybe then a week. Keep a journal of your practice. Come back to such practices when you notice that you are becoming unmindful and need a refresher.
Contact Me
If you would like help in developing or implementing any of these ideas, please reach out to me.
I know how stressful and demanding it can be to make changes in your life, but you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Some of the benefits of individual therapy include:
- Having a safe, confidential space to work through life’s struggles
- Speaking openly with a highly-trained professional
- Learning to be curious about oneself and become more mindful about your choices
- Identifying relationship patterns that are helpful, or existing patterns that are interfering with your growth and wellbeing.
- I offer online therapy (video conference style of therapy), which provides an increased level of comfort as you could meet with me from the privacy and comfort of your own home or other location.
You can request a specific appointment time that fits your schedule. Once confirmed, you can complete all New Patient Intake paperwork online as well.
You can request a specific appointment time that fits your schedule. Once confirmed, you can complete all New Patient Intake paperwork online as well.
*** The tips offered in this article are for general information and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. For more personalized recommendations appropriate to your individual situation, please contact us or obtain professional guidance.
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