You’re unhappy, in distress, and trying to figure out how to move forward. It is easy to fall into the self-blame trap. Could this have been avoided if only you’d done something different? Was it someone else’s fault? Perhaps you were just a victim of plain old bad luck? Whatever may have happened, to find an effective solution, you need to pick the right culprit.
Why Did This Happen?
It’s our nature to try and determine the root cause of our problems. We want to understand the past in order to stop old pains from reoccurring. The problem is, we’re not always objective when it comes to hard events. It’s easy to jump to the wrong conclusion, particularly when we’re upset or hurting. In our haste to find the reason, we can easily settle on the wrong one just to end our confusion. When we identify the wrong cause of a problem, though, we less likely to improve our situation, and we might even make things harder for ourselves.
There are three broad reasons why we experience pain and trouble in life — the results of our choices, the consequences of someone else’s behavior, and the natural effects of living in an imperfect, mortal world with tragedies like illness and natural disaster.
Three sources may not sound like a lot, but it can be hard to figure out which one our unhappiness is stemming from. This can be a real problem. If we try to patch a leak with a jackhammer, our house is going to end up underwater. Instead of picking the wrong tools, or feeling helpless because we’re tackling the wrong source, it’s important to take a step back and clearly assess what’s caused our pain.
Bias Towards Self-Blame
When we’re trying to pick a culprit, we can develop an unhealthy pattern of believing others cause ALL our problems, making us feel angry and powerless (See more about this here – Pointing Fingers of Blame.)
More often than not, though, we have an inherent bias towards blaming ourselves. It’s easy to get sucked into the belief that things would be better if only we were smarter, richer, more attractive, etc. Even though the truth might be right there in plain sight, the “evidence” we interpret points right back at us.
This habit isn’t surprising. From birth, we begin cataloging all of our strengths, weaknesses, and personal qualities. Because there will always be examples of days we were less diligent or attractive and times when we didn’t know enough to avoid failure, it’s easy to find “evidence” supporting blaming ourselves. It can be hard to see the bigger picture, and when life hasn’t worked out the way we wanted, those examples come to our mind very easily.
Oftentimes, we’re the easiest people to blame and the hardest to believe in, but this is a crucial pattern to break. Self-blame is highly correlated to increased levels of depression, anxiety, loneliness and isolation; feelings of insecurity and helplessness; and lowered satisfaction at work and in relationships. When difficult times happen, it’s important to remember our bias towards self-blame so we can avoid making a difficult situation harder.
What To Do?
It can be helpful to take a step back and realize that every person on this planet has that same bias towards self-blame. When we realize this and when we take the time to understand where our own self-doubt comes from, we can slow down and catch ourselves. If we understand the negative thought cycles we have about ourselves, we can recognize if we’re unfairly applying them. We’re not always blameless, but it’s important to know when this is the case and when we’re just the easiest person to blame.
Slowing down can allow us an opportunity to examine our assumptions and to explore other possibilities. When we recognize the complexity and the interplay of the events in our life, we can develop more self-compassion. Even if we are responsible for something that’s happened, chances are there were other factors. When we take a step back, we can look at a fuller, healthier picture of ourselves and others. This helps us develop more realistic expectations about how to move forward from hard situations. We each have tools to fix problems when they come up — it’s just a matter of picking the right one.
If you aren’t sure how to apply any of these ideas, or you think you may need more support, seek professional help.
