Focusing on other’s faults is a natural human behavior. It’s called the negativity bias. But criticism is a behavior that can be incredibly damaging to your relationships—especially your marriage.

This toxic behavior can be difficult to recognize because it often becomes second nature. Over time, it may even start to become your “personal brand,” per se.

If you build a reputation for being critical or condescending, people may avoid having a conversation or sharing personal information with you. Or, they may simply avoid you altogether.

In your marriage, your partner may attempt to steer clear of you as well. But, your relationship doesn’t have to remain in the negative rut. Here’s how to put a stop to this behavior and heal your marriage:

How to Identify Condescending and Criticizing Habits

As mentioned, because condescending and criticizing habits frequently become second nature, it may be difficult to identify them. With mindful observation, however, you can successfully pinpoint whether these harmful habits are at work in your own life.

Firstly, since criticism easily rolls off our tongues, make a point to listen to what you say.

For example, ask yourself these questions:

• Do you dish out a lot of backhanded compliments?
• Are you saying “actually” a lot to explain and defend your position?
• Have you belittled or been dismissive of your partner’s issues lately?
• Do you often take charge in the conversation, allowing your partner little time to fully express themselves?

Additionally, take stock in how you spend your time. Do you pitch in to help your partner after they’ve had a tough day, even though it’s officially your day off? Or, do you kick back and enjoy your much-needed time off while your partner struggles through the evening chores?

It’s not usually comfortable to examine your life under this type of revealing light. But, doing so will help to illuminate areas that need improvement.

Why It’s Important to Change Negative Habits

Behaving in a way that is condescending or criticizing to your partner (or anyone) hurts them. When we fight to “win” against our partner, it means we are choosing to make them a “loser.” This is likely not consistent with the way you want to define yourself or your relationship.

Not only that, behaving this way communicates to your partner that you don’t value them. Or, at least,  that you’re far more valuable than they are. As a result, the relationship struggles in a state of toxic imbalance.

Furthermore, it’s important to change negative habits because it’s an unsuccessful way to connect with your partner. As you may have realized, it doesn’t produce positive results.

The more condescending you are, the more unhappy you feel. Whether you feel guilty for your habits or disconnected, it’s an unsatisfying way to live.

Ultimately, condescension and criticism are two very big bricks in an enormous wall between you and your partner. Unsurprisingly, neither behavior promotes closeness or intimacy.

How to Put a Stop to Toxic Behavior

As mentioned previously, identifying the condescending and criticizing behavior is the first step to putting a stop to it.

Remember, forgiving yourself for the negative behavior is also a large part in changing it. It will take practice and purposeful action. But, if you’ve come this far then you’re certainly on the right path to healing your marriage.

In a conversation with your partner, ask yourself if you really need to say anything at all. Would listening suffice?

Perhaps too, if you find you’re consistently disappointed by your partner’s behavior, consider realigning your expectations. This is within reason, of course. Expectations that pertain to housework are far different than those regarding infidelity, for example.

Also, try to start seeing things differently. Put effort into looking for and seeing the positives in every situation. This will help to limit the habit of condescension and criticism.

Keep in mind that stress and anxiety can play a significant role in toxic behaviors. Do a self-check on how you feel inside. Then, find ways to better manage your own stress and anxiety. As a result, you won’t feel as though you need to lash out at others to release your stress.