Pointing Fingers of Blame

Who’s Fault Was It?

As I talked about in this blog post, there are three broad reasons why bad things happen in our lives—the results of our choices, the consequences of someone else’s behaviors, and the natural effects of living in an imperfect, mortal world with tragedies like illness and natural disaster. It is human nature to need to blame someone for our distress (blame ourselves, others, God, etc).

Three is a small number, but when we start to add up the results—all of the bad, difficult moments—life can feel overwhelming. The media doesn’t make this any easier. 24-hour news cycles are designed to keep us glued to media outlets, but they feed us a non-stop stream of negativity. Sometimes it might feel like it’s all you can do to keep your head above water—hard moments keep flooding in, and you don’t feel like you have anything to grab onto.

With all these bad news and events filling our attention, it can be easy to assume the worst of others, the world, and the universe in general. When something goes wrong in our lives, it can be easy to blame someone else. Maybe we blame a family member. Or, maybe we blame society at large. Maybe we blame God.

Pointing fingers doesn’t just happen in negative circumstances, though. Winning the lottery, a lucky opportunity: it can be easy to think our lives are shaped by outside forces, both in the good and the bad moments. Maybe you’ve been promoted but you pass it off as corporate trying to fill quotas. Maybe you were fined for speeding but you know that officer just needed to hand out more tickets.

Locus of Control

In psychology, we call this the Locus of Control.  People with an external Locus of Control tend to see themselves as the recipient of other people’s choices and actions, and feel very little sense of power in changing what happens to them.  People with an Internal Locus of Control see themselves as responsible for almost everything that happens to them and around them. Neither extreme is healthy or accurate. Real problems occur when there is a mismatch in your view of how much power you have over the reality around you.  

Certainly, we can’t control the weather or whether a slot machine lands on three cherries. All of our actions have effects, however, and when we ignore our own power in the world, we can end up feeling hopeless and depressed. If we blame God or others for everything that happens into our lives, we ignore all the ways our own actions influence our circumstances or how we can change them. Maybe things haven’t worked out like we wanted, but instead of trying to turn our life around, we think we’re powerless—we’re passive, prone to a sense of victimhood. What can we do, after all, when it’s God fault?

Taking Charge

You have agency, however, and the power to change your interactions with others;. This means that you don’t have to wait for random luck or for others to read your mind. You may have to step back and make a plan for how to proceed.

Maybe someone has hurt your feelings, but you don’t have to accept that that’s just the way it is. It isn’t your fault that it happened, but that doesn’t mean you’re powerless. You can talk to them, instead—explain how their actions made you feel. Let them know what you need differently from them.

Sometimes it isn't possible to change the situation or what happened: people get sick. Fires and natural disasters happen. You can’t control the world, but we do still have power. But you have the power to decide how to react to these situations. You can honor the pain it may be causing you, while choosing to decide a course of action rather than impulsively react out of hurt, fear, or anger.

We can be proud of our success and also find areas where we can choose to act with more agency and responsibility. The world is a big place, filled with people and random events, but we each have just as much agency as any other person.

Sometimes this is hard to acknowledge because it means we might be at fault for our past unhappiness. However, this isn’t a bad thing—it just means that it’s in our power to learn, to grow, and to act differently in the future.

Of course, maybe what happened isn’t the result of something we did. However, we still have the right and responsibility to choose how we will respond or react. We aren’t stuck on a path that someone else created, whether that’s God, our parents, or our boss, etc. We have the power to take small steps, to choose our actions, and to affect change for the better in the world around us.

Accepting responsibility isn’t always easy, but chances are it will create a future you’re happier to be a part of.

Where can I seek help?

If you would like help in developing or implementing any of these ideas, please reach out to me.

I know how stressful and demanding it can be to make changes in your life, but you don’t have to figure it out on your own.   Some of the benefits of individual therapy include:

• Having a safe, confidential space to work through life’s struggles
• Speaking openly with a highly-trained professional
• Learning to be curious about oneself and become more mindful about your choices
• Identifying relationship patterns that are helpful, or existing patterns that are interfering with your growth and wellbeing.
• I offer online therapy (video conference style of therapy), which provides increased level of comfort as you could meet with me from the privacy and comfort of your own home or other location.

Find out more about me at my website, subscribe to my Blog, Like and Follow me on Facebook, or Contact Me with an email at DrJT@CreativeSolutionsOnline.org.  I’d love to hear from you!

You can request a specific appointment time that fits your schedule. Once confirmed, you can complete all New Patient Intake paperwork online as well.

*** The tips offered in this article are for general information and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. For more personalized recommendations appropriate to your individual situation, please contact us or obtain professional guidance.

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