It is human nature and so easy to become offended. Someone may say something that rubs you the wrong way. Maybe what they say feels like an “attack” on something you’ve done or that you value. Sometimes it's necessary to evaluate your role in being offended.
This is especially the case if you tend to have a quick temper, take things the wrong way, notice that others seem to feel that they have to walk on egg shells around you, or you tend to turn small problems big problems. If so than maybe its time to work on your choice to be offended or not.
It’s so easy to get offended based on people’s words or actions. Unfortunately, taking offense sometimes can weigh you down in life and affect your relationships. When you are offended it might mean you're taking something personal that wasn’t intended to be. Or even if it was intended to hurt you, if you take offense, you are giving power to others to determine how you feel! It’s okay to feel hurt and let your emotions come through. But, knowing that something isn’t personal makes it feel less like an abusive attack toward you. And you retain power over how you feel.
So, how can you better manage your feelings so that you are less often caught up in feeling offended?
Let’s look at some strategies you can put in place immediately to feel less offended.
Take Ownership of and Understand Your Own Thoughts and Feelings
First, it’s important to understand why you feel offended by something in the first place. After all, nobody can force you to feel offense. Even if someone is directly insulting you, it’s ultimately your choice on how much you let those insults get to you, and how you react.
You are responsible for your feelings. You do not have a feeling because someone else made you feel a way - you had to interpret and evaluate what was said. There is fantastic power in this simple concept. You always choose how you are going respond to situations.
Let’s face it. It’s hard to let offensive language or behaviors just roll off of your back. But, when you have a better understanding of your own feelings and why something, in particular, offends you, you can recognize that you’re in charge of how you react and respond. Putting yourself back in control can help you to feel at ease, and you might find that fewer things get to you.
So when you feel offended ask yourself, "What thoughts did I have about what this person said or did? What about that seems upsetting to me? What appears unjust to me? Does this behavior commonly offend me in other settings or with other people? Does it scratch on one of my insecurities (ego attack), etc..?" Notice and label the kind of things you find most offensive to you--these are YOUR triggers and you own them.
What to do Now
- Own your thoughts, feelings, and urges. You are in charge of you. You may have very powerful emotional responses. They may even be based on past upsetting experiences. If they are trauma related offense triggers you may need to do a lot of work healing from past traumas and emotional injuries. They may take a lot of time and hard work. Ultimately, we are more healthy when we are in the driver's seat of our responses.
- Remember unless its an emergency or dangerous situation do not respond right away. Take a moment to notice what is going on inside you and out, then take some slow deep breaths and remember you are in control.
- Consider the possibility that the person did not intent to offend you. As you continue to talk you may find this was not the case but it will become clear. We do not want to jump to conclusions too quickly. Try to see their words from their perspective. For the moment, suspend your defensive response and listen more openly.
- "De-catastrophize" if possible. Are we making a "mountain out of a mole hill"? Is our emotional response out of proportion to the situation? The initial or immediate reaction is not always the most accurate one. Take a moment to re-assess. How big of an issues was it.
- If what was said to you offended you because it scratched on one of your limitations. Ask yourself if you could benefit from what was said. Could what was said be constructive feedback versus destructive criticism?
- If you're "injustice collecting" or find yourself seeking out offenses, consider letting this "hobby" go. Notice when you are doing it and its impact on you. There is an infinite supply of offenses in the world. Do you want to hold onto them? Will that help you life life with more vitality? If not, then when you notice yourself seeking such experiences, take a step back and consider seeking out things that are uplifting to you.
- Sometimes people are behaving in an offensive way because they have felt offended by us. Take a step back, evaluate, or even consider asking the other person if they have felt offended by you in anyway. Perhaps you might find that this is the case and peacemaking can occur. Open communication and humility may be the "cure".
- Maybe you are rigidly holding onto expectations of how other's should be that make you unhappy and offended. Consider that other's may not have the same expectations of their behavior or manners. Noticing this, accepting (making room for it), and letting go may be liberating. You might even learn about what they value or even a cultural difference if you become more flexible in your expectations of how other's should be.
- Forgiveness is powerful. That's especially true for the person forgiving. Consider employing the force of forgiveness when offended. See what happens.
Are these choices always easy? Absolutely not. We tend to live in a world where it’s easy to take offense to things. That’s especially true thanks to platforms like social media. But, having a better understanding of your emotions, learning more about other people, and practicing the art of forgiveness can help you to reach a more peaceful state of mind and not get offended as easily.
Contact Me
If you’d like to learn more or you’re looking for more strategies on how not to be offended, feel free to contact me to set up an appointment.
I know how stressful and demanding it can be to make changes in your life, but you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Some of the benefits of individual therapy include:
- Having a safe, confidential space to work through life’s struggles
- Speaking openly with a highly-trained professional
- Learning to be curious about oneself and become more mindful about your choices
- Identifying relationship patterns that are helpful, or existing patterns that are interfering with your growth and wellbeing.
- I offer online therapy (video conference style of therapy), which provides an increased level of comfort as you could meet with me from the privacy and comfort of your own home or other location.
You can request a specific appointment time that fits your schedule. Once confirmed, you can complete all New Patient Intake paperwork online as well.
*** The tips offered in this article are for general information and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. For more personalized recommendations appropriate to your individual situation, please contact us or obtain professional guidance.
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