Kintsugi is the Japenese art of repairing broken pottery with a lacquer that includes gold dust (read more here). It is a beautiful symbol of a philosophy that honors the crack as an important part of the history of the object and not something to repair and hide from sight.
As someone raised in a Western culture, I am intrigued and inspired by this practice. The way they treat "broken" pottery reflects a much deeper philosophy about valuing something (or someone) who is imperfect and flawed. Similar to seeing wrinkles as evidence of a life lived full of rich experiences - laugh lines and all.
Not only are those flaws accepted, they are highlighted in the pottery!
What if we could adopt a similar mindset towards our own flaws and imperfections? Our scars are evidence of surviving some sort of battle - internal or external.
So what steps can we take to more fully adopt a kintsugi mindset?
Accept Imperfection
Giving up the ideal of perfection is not a small feat. However, recognizing that it is not even possible to achieve perfection is a great place to start. Human beings are complex and complicated creatures, and imperfect by design. We can, and should, strive to learn and grow in this life journey, but perfection is not an attainable goal.
Consider Yourself as a Work in Progress
What if you quit reading a book or watching a movie when you were only half-way through? Perhaps you would conclude that the main character never reaches their quest, finds true love, or avenges some mighty wrong. What if the Superbowl stopped in the 3rd quarter? You would miss the great teamwork that culminated in that final last-second touch-down.
It is easy to conclude that we are a "failure" or not good enough, not loveable, employable, or whatever. Especially if we are going through a rough patch. Loss of job, divorce, a major health crisis, or family turmoil can feel devastating. But remember that your story is not over. Those are the cracks in your personal kintsugi pottery. It is tempting sometimes to just throw the "junk" away.
Apply Self-Compassion as the Lacquer
We live in a "disposable" society where we often don't think twice about throwing something old or broken away and buying a new one. This isn't a lecture on recycling, but an opportunity to examine how that mindset isn't good for our mental health.
We can't just throw ourselves away when we become worn out or cracked by the events in life! It is impossible to go through life without some dings and scrapes - some people have more than others but everyone has wounds and friction points.
The salve that helps soothe our wounds and hold us together like the golden lacquer in kintsugi is self-compassion. Treating our self with kindness and tenderness like we would a good friend who is upset, a child who has scraped their knee, or an injured animal. Very few of us would start criticizing our friend, blaming a child, or picking at the scabs of an injured animal. However, that is often how we treat ourselves - we are hurt, and we start to blame ourselves and add salt to the wound.
Make room for the tears or pain that is real, just like the cracks in the pottery is real. It is sad. You are allowed to be disappointed and grieve. But apply an abundance of self-compassion "salve" to the wound.
Be Patient
I can only imagine how much time it takes to carefully piece back together the broken pottery. Kintsugi is not a process that can be rushed. Similarly, be patient with yourself as you heal from your heartache. The healing of physical wounds and broken bones cannot be artificially accelerated, and we accept this reality even thought we don't like it. You deserve to take whatever time is needed to heal your mental and emotional wounds.
And remember healing often leaves scars when the scab falls off. It is a visible reminder of the RESILIENCY of the resources of the body. Similarly, you may have residual reminders of your former psychological wounds, but they can be the golden seam that reminds you of each turn in your journey in becoming the experienced well-rounded person you are.
Contact Me
I know how stressful and demanding it can be to make changes in your life, but you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Some of the benefits of individual therapy include:
- Having a safe, confidential space to work through life’s struggles
- Speaking openly with a highly-trained professional
- Learning to be curious about oneself and become more mindful about your choices
- Identifying relationship patterns that are helpful, or existing patterns that are interfering with your growth and wellbeing.
- I offer online therapy (video conference style of therapy), which provides increased level of comfort as you could meet with me from the privacy and comfort of your own home or other location.
You can request a specific appointment time that fits your schedule. Once confirmed, you can complete all New Patient Intake paperwork online as well.
*** The tips offered in this article are for general information and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. For more personalized recommendations appropriate to your individual situation, please contact us or obtain professional guidance.
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