Are your relationships a function of bad choices and bad luck? Or could you make changes that might improve the way you live with and love others?

You’re in good company if your relationships leave you perplexed and somewhat dissatisfied from time to time. Relationships can be tough and messy at times. Hard times can strain the bonds that keep them together.

Yet, we need to be together, we want to connect and belong. And we want those things on deep levels with the people that mean the most to us. Even if you haven’t met the partner of your dreams yet, you likely still long to know the people in your circle well and want to feel deeply known too.

So, it hurts to routinely feel lonely or unfulfilled in our friendships and romantic connections. Constantly working through conflict or codependency is a chore. It’s so frustrating to continually wonder why your relationships take such unexpected or painful detours.

Is it you? Is it them?

Getting to the bottom of what’s going on in your relationships is often an introspective process. 

It is easy to put the blame for unfulfilling relationships on the other person. While it is probably accurate that you would benefit from them making changes, you may also need to examine your role in the dynamic. And since we have way more control or influence over our part of the situation, it is a good place to start.

Setting aside time to reflect and make sense of your frustrations can be very valuable. Looking back over what you have pondered or journaled can reveal patterns you didn’t see at the time. For example, is the frustration you feel in a work relationship familiar to how you felt with your spouse or friend? Is it easy to speak up with some people, but not others?

This doesn’t mean such reflection is easy, though. To really dig deep on your own requires a willingness to dialogue with yourself as honestly and as openly as possible. Journaling is a helpful tool for exploring and practicing this type of vulnerability and your approach to relationshis.

In a way, writing to yourself and about your interactions with others frees you up to share and build a healthy relationship with yourself. As your self-awareness blossoms, so will your understanding of other people’s feelings, perceptions, and responses based on their time with you.

This awareness and understanding can start to stimulate more meaningful communication and more compassionate points of view. The people in your life will notice and respond to your insights.

It helps to journal with thought-provoking writing prompts as a guide.

Questions or prompts that might help you recognize how you approach others (for better or for worse) can be eye-opening. Often, the function and dysfunction in our relationship are sparked by subtle interactions or rifts in rapport. They aren’t necessarily intentional or even conscious. Hence, the value of thinking things through intentionally and in writing is worth the effort. You may find you remember or notice things you never would just talking them through.

What kind of journal prompts are helpful?

The following prompts are geared toward understanding how you “show up” in a relationship. In essence, you are asking yourself “what is my relational approach?” This is a good way to see whether your actions or presumptions help or hinder deeper connections.

Try topics like these to promote awareness and help deepen relationship bonds.

Write about how your tone of voice affects your connections

• What is your voice like when speaking to 1) a cherished friend or loved one, 2) someone who unintentionally hurt your feelings, 3) a stranger who makes you mad? 
• What contributes to the differences in your style?
• How do your different approaches contribute to the overall mood and outcome of your interactions?

Write about someone who taught you what it felt like to be seen, heard, and honored.

• What did they do to make you feel this way?  
• If they are still in your life, how you could express gratitude for their influence? If they are no longer in your life, how you could honor them by paying it forward to someone else?

Write about the relationship you are most grateful for today.

• Describe the person and their impact on your life.
• How do you express your gratitude to this person?

Name the people you trust and genuinely share your life and concerns with.

• What common qualities tend to consistently show up in the relationships that have become your “inner circle”?
• How did you develop that level of trust? How did they “earn” that spot in your life?

Think about the people who hurt or wounded you deeply throughout your life.

• What did their behavior teach you?
• How did you cope with the pain? (Withdrawal, isolation, efforts to please and appease them, vow to get even and hurt them back, etc)?
• Is that how you respond when people hurt you now? Does it work? At what cost?

Want to better understand your role in your relationships? Feel like you’re dealing with some obstacles in your personal relationships, and wish you could close the distance? Therapy can help you develop a healthy communication style. Contact us today to schedule your first session.