Do you find yourself frequently making harsh judgments about yourself? Do you frequently put yourself down when you fall short of your expectations? Have you ever noticed that the self criticisms hinder your performance and affect how you feel about yourself? Over time have you notice that self-criticism has become reflexive or even habitual, popping in your head without any effort? Well, then you may be struggling with a powerful inner critic.
Doesn't Being Hard on Yourself Make You a Better Person?
Some believe that being self-critical and being hard on themselves will make them better people or help them achieve. This is an incorrect assumption. Self-criticism actually impedes performance and goal attainment. It leads to procrastination, increases negative rumination, and contributes to feelings of incompetency, worthlessness, and shame.
If you're feeling incompetent and worthless how likely will you be to persist through struggles, temporary setbacks, and small failures in your pursuit towards a goal or aspiration? Rather, self judgments instead contribute to a belief that setbacks and struggles are due to personal characteristics, character defects, and enduring incompetency's. These beliefs and feelings sink our morale and belief in ourselves.
Well Then, What Helps?
Increasing our awareness of negative self-judgments and our tendency to explain our perceived shortcomings as being permanent aspects of ourselves ("I'm just too stupid") is a first and critical step in changing this habit. We can't change something that were not aware of. Many of us judge without recognizing what it is that we're truly saying to ourselves. So we want to be mindful of how we judge ourselves.
We want to take a more non-judgmental approach and actually practice modifying our self criticisms and judgments in a more non-judgmental way. We will still express what happened, how we felt, and what we thought, but use words that do not express a negative and judging attitude. Instead we can practice describing the situation factually, and write down the feelings we had, and what we were thinking about. We can practice with judgments about ourselves, others, or situations.
Here are Some Examples of Non-Judgmental Statements
Judgment: "I lost my temper with my kids again, I am a horrible parent, and I will never get this right. I am going to screw them up."
Non-Judgmental: "I lost my temper with the kids, I didn't cool down before I talked to them about their bickering and messiness. I was angry because this happens a lot and felt like yelling at them. I felt frustrated and powerless. I care about them, don't want to yell, and I want to find better ways to address this."
Judgment: "I'm such a bore and terrible conversationalist. I sat quietly and said little while everyone else talked. No one will ever want to hang out with me."
Non-Judgmental: "I did not speak much because most of the people at dinner tonight were new to me. I get nervous and in my head in situations like these. I felt embarrassed and self-conscious about not talking much. It was hard for me to carry on casual conversation. It may get better when I get to know some of these people more."
These examples are to help you get started. Recognize the judgments first, then retell yourself the story using descriptive terms instead--the facts, the feelings, and the thoughts. Practice this each time you get caught up in negative judgments.
Notice When You are Judgmental
You will likely notice that there may be repetitive ways that you are are harsh and judgmental. Notice the judgments you repeatedly have and then try this exercise (write these down):
- Describe the judgment Do so using a factual and descriptive non-judgmental approach like above.
- How do I feel when I make this judgment? Write down how you feel when you get caught up in these judgments and how those feelings affect how you think about yourself.
- What do I do when I judge myself this way? When I judge myself this way and then feel the way I do, what do I tend to do? Do I become more effective?
- How would life for me be without this judgment? Think about how you would feel and what you might do without being hijacked by this judgment. Would you feel differently, would you think about yourself differently, would you persist toward your aspirations more, would you be more effective, would you feel more at ease?
- Write down how you could re-write the script of these judgments in a more descriptive and non-judgmental stance. How could you also apply some self-compassion to this difficult area?
Sometimes There's More To It
Sometimes there is some deeper shame connected to the judgments we make about ourselves. Sometimes there can even been some trauma connected to these judgments that make change difficult-though not impossible. It is important to note that the strategies above can be very helpful. At times, we need to do some deeper work on addressing the underlying cause of the shame that may be the source of these sticky judgments.
Be patient with yourself and practice self-compassion around these difficulties. It may be that you need professional guidance to help you navigate through this and certainly a qualified mental health clinician can help.
Contact Me
I know how stressful and demanding it can be to make changes in your life, but you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Some of the benefits of individual therapy include:
- Having a safe, confidential space to work through life’s struggles
- Speaking openly with a highly-trained professional
- Learning to be curious about oneself and become more mindful about your choices
- Identifying relationship patterns that are helpful, or existing patterns that are interfering with your growth and wellbeing.
- I offer online therapy (video conference style of therapy), which provides an increased level of comfort as you could meet with me from the privacy and comfort of your own home or other location.
You can request a specific appointment time that fits your schedule. Once confirmed, you can complete all New Patient Intake paperwork online as well.
*** The tips offered in this article are for general information and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. For more personalized recommendations appropriate to your individual situation, please contact us or obtain professional guidance.