-Anthony Tzoumas, Ph.D.
Psychologist
Everyone wants to be happy. It is a common goal most of us have. But what is the best way to go about achieving it?
- Have you ever noticed that the harder you try to reach happiness, the more it seems to slip away?
- Do you question how much control you have over feeling happy?
- Is it luck? Genetics? Once you get out of debt, get a promotion, find the perfect spouse, etc.?
- Do you think you are doing everything "right" but still can't find joy or peace?
You may be surprised at what research has found. It can shed some light on the ways we unknowingly set ourselves up to NOT feel happy.
Your Biological “Set Point”:
Author Sonja Lyubomirsky, the author of “The How of Happiness” believes that happiness is determined by 3 general categories. She states that approximately 50% of our happiness is determine by a genetic set-rate or baseline. This is based on studies on fraternal and identical twins. They have shown that levels of happiness between identical twins raised together or apart are more similar than fraternal twins raised together or apart. So, you may be born with a biologically determined emotional baseline. Well, that’s it! It must mean we are powerless over our happiness. Biological determination wins again!! Wait! Not so fast. What about our life situations or circumstances and choices and attitudes? Afterall, those affect our happiness.
Circumstances in Life:
Well, Dr. Lyubomirsky also says that “life circumstances” account for only around 10% of our level of reported happiness. Surprisingly and perhaps not exactly accurate, but the theory behind this is that we engage in “hedonic adaptation”. What does that mean? Hedonic adaptation also known as the hedonic treadmill suggests that we quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative events or life changes. So we adapt to the circumstances of our lives. So good and bad circumstances impact our lives for brief periods of time, then we return to our baseline. Certain activities are more affected by hedonic adaptations. These often are “pleasures”. They provide a valuable but brief surge of pleasure and happiness. They can be wonderful and can contribute to happiness but often are fleeting.
Researcher on depression and happiness, Martin Seligman says of pleasures, "The pleasures are delights that have clear sensory and strong emotional components, what philosophers call 'raw feels': ecstasy, thrills…delight, mirth, exuberance, and comfort. They are evanescent, and they involve little, if any, thinking." So, we adapt or get used to them quickly. These are not irrelevant and can be used to help an upward cycling of mood.
Your Expectations & Meaningful Life Activities:
So what accounts for the rest you ask? About 40%-That’s what is left. Lyubomirsky says that the rest is up to intentional (meaningful and goal directed) activities. She calls this “The 40% solution.” So, this is what we choose to do, how we choose to think, what attitudes we choose to hold onto. So, although, the vast majority of what determines happiness may not be under our complete control, we have that relative 40% with which to work. That’s actually great news! Think about how much influence this really is and don’t get hung up on the actual percentages. These are estimates and cannot possibly be precise. The point of the matter is that we have a good amount of influence beyond circumstances and genetic factors. So, let’s look at what may have more staying power.
Our Beliefs, Attitudes, and Actions--the “40%” ...” or so”.:
Let’s look at how our beliefs or expectations affect our happiness. We have beliefs about happiness that actually can undermine our happiness. We have 3 fundamental beliefs that paradoxically reduce our opportunities for more happiness: 1) We often believe that we should naturally be happy if our basic needs (safety, survival, nourishment) are met; 2) That we are broken if we are not naturally happy. We may believe that there is a problem if we experience sadness, pain, worry, discontent, fear, or anxiety; and 3) Happiness equals pleasure or feeling good. Well, I think most of us at first glance might agree with these beliefs. But, what’s the hitch? How do these beliefs undermine our happiness?
Happiness Myth 1: Happiness Should Be Our Natural State:
Well, as we mentioned above, we have many forces affecting our happiness including our genetic states, life circumstance, etc. Therefore, we experience the full range of emotions that mean we may be happy, sometimes angry, and sometimes sad. For example, as a parent we experience the full range of emotions as we fulfill this meaningful role. Each feeling comes as part of this important role and experience as a parent. They add to the richness and depth of the experience of parenting. In fact, you will notice that nothing deeply important comes without difficult feelings. In order to avoid difficult feelings, we would have to avoid meaningful pursuits.
So, instead of believing that the natural state should be happiness, we could consider that the state is a spectrum or ever-changing flow of emotional experiences. Each adds to the value and richness of the experience.
Happiness Myth 2: Unhappiness Means You’re Defective or Broken:
As mentioned above, we all experience emotional pain. There are some circumstances where the biological set point is indeed affected by a biological and psychological disorder such as Major Depression and Bipolar Disorder. These are indeed situations in which we may need biological and psychological treatments such as medications and various forms of psychotherapy.
In terms of periodic experiences of unhappiness, it is indeed normal to have unhappiness as part of your life. Sometimes unhappiness is useful to notice and explore. Unhappiness can clue us into what might be important to us. For example, loneliness tells us about the value of relationships and connection to us. It may direct us toward others. Emptiness is another form of unhappiness. Emptiness may be an indicator that we need to invest time and energy identifying what is meaningful or could be meaningful to us. Then to develop goals on how to explore those meaningful areas of life to contribute to meaning and purpose.
We might experience failure in our pursuits. A universal experience as we all fail. The pain we receive from the unhappiness that comes with a failure experience may indicate to us how important that endeavor may be to us. If we can consider that failure in pursuits is typical and expected AND persist toward the goal in new ways, we may find an opportunity for success and experience the more lasting benefits and gratification of that goal being met.
We could consider that instead of buying into the belief that not being happy means we are broken, defective, or that something is wrong with us, that a life lived requires us to go through challenges, hard times, and that life is difficult. We need to make room for that in our life experiences. Consequently, unhappiness in life is normal. And where there is pain, there is a potential opportunity to identify purpose, meaning, and explore a life of vitality.
Happiness Myth 3: Happiness Equals Pleasure or Feeling Good:
So, happiness based on feeling pleasure or feeling good is not lasting happiness. If you remember the discussion before about life circumstances (the 10%), pleasure and feeling good are fleeting and changing states. They are something good to have, but not what happiness is actually all about. Inevitably these states pass, and we may experience forms of displeasure such as anger, sadness, anxiety, fear, frustration, etc. So instead of basing our happiness on temporary states such as pleasure and feeling good, we could base happiness on living a more rich, vital, and meaningful life. In this case, happiness would be a byproduct of meaning and would require you to experience the full range of emotions that come along with such experiences.
So, the point here is that seeking temporary sources of pleasure, expecting to always feel good, and seeing pain in life as “all bad”, and defining yourself and your life as being bad or broken if you experience unhappiness can actually lead to more suffering and pain. The results of these myths can lead to emotional and experiential avoidance. That is, avoidance of “negative” feelings and experiences that could lead to negative emotions. This happens quite frequently. In the process of avoiding such emotions and situations, we may miss out on living a more rich and vital life. We may not really live our lives based on serving purposeful and meaningful endeavors to “stay safe”. This actually causes the very thing we are trying to avoid. If, however, we are practicing “making room” for difficult emotions and experiences in service of thoughtfully acting in accordance to what is important to us than we have greater opportunities for a more deep and lasting happiness--a life with more vitality.
These are foundational principles of a type of empirically valid treatment called Acceptance Commitment Therapy-a form of cognitive behavioral therapy. It actually has a lot of scientific support behind it. The premise is that we may find more fulfillment in a life that is more centered on understanding, pursuing, and engaging in valued life efforts. These efforts may and often do involve accepting difficult experiences and emotions but can result in a richer and more meaningful life experience. So, in effect, happiness becomes the “symptom” of a life directed toward what is meaningful to us.
Would you like help in developing skills, thinking habits, and behaviors that can lead to a more rich and gratifying life directed toward what is meaningful? Professional help from an individual therapist is available!
I know how stressful and demanding it can be to make changes in your life, but you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Some of the benefits of individual therapy include:
— Having a safe, confidential space to work through life’s struggles
— Speaking openly with a highly-trained professional
— Learning to be curious about oneself and become more mindful about your choices
I offer online counseling (video conference style of therapy) which provides increased level of comfort as you could meet with me from privacy of your own home.
Find out more about me at my website, subscribe to my Blog, Like and Follow me on Facebook, use Contact Me form on my webpage, or with an email at DrAnthonyT@CreativeSolutionsBehavioralHealth.com. I’d love to hear from you!
*** The tips offered in this article are for general information and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. For more personalized recommendations appropriate to your individual situation, please contact us or obtain professional guidance.