People often think it’s easier to hold onto a grudge than to forgive someone. After all, you can choose not to talk to that person. You can choose to block them out of your life completely.
But, that doesn’t make the hurt or anger go away. Regrettably, holding onto a grudge or obsessing on the way someone hurt you often does more harm than good.
It's like that old saying, "Holding onto hurt and anger is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die."
Truly, when you resent someone, you only hurt yourself and stall your progress in life. You don’t give yourself the opportunity to let go of the memory, the negative emotions, or that person’s influence on your life. So the hurt continues - for YOU, not them.
How do you find relief? Forgiveness gives you freedom.
Let’s look at why that matters, and how you can actually begin to forgive someone who hurt you.
Forgiveness and Moving Forward
Think about someone in your life who has upset you or hurt you. Have you forgiven them? If not, how does thinking about them make you feel? Chances are, you think about them more than you’d probably like to. That results in the pain and anger coming to the surface frequently.
That’s the problem with holding a grudge; you can’t fully move forward with your life. It’s baggage that holds you down. You are handcuffed to the past pain until you choose to forgive. And unfortunately, you’re only hurting yourself in the process.
You’re not hurting the person who hurt you by not forgiving them. They may not even care one way or another. But, when you hold on tightly to that anger, it can cloud your thoughts and completely change your perspective on a lot of things in life. By not forgiving someone, you’re hindering your ability to turn to the next chapter in your story.
The Misconception of Forgiveness
Some people have a problem with the word “forgiveness” because they think it excuses someone from their actions.
That isn’t true.
Forgiveness isn’t about saying that what someone did was okay, or right. It’s about letting go of your hurt and anger. You may choose to tell them how you feel and how badly something hurt you. But you may decide to move forward without ever confronting them. Forgiveness is the process of getting rid of the hurt and anger you feel, regardless.
You don’t necessarily have to tell someone you’re forgiving them. That’s a personal choice. For some people, it helps to provide closure. For others, forgiveness is a very private thing, and it can absolutely be something you just keep in your mind and heart. You don’t forgive someone for their sake, you forgive them for your sake.
How to Start Forgiving Others
Depending on what someone did to you, it might feel impossible to forgive them. But, you’ll feel so much better and lighter once you do.
It starts with accepting what happened to you and what that person did. It is natural to spend a lot of time initially thinking about how they shouldn't have done this, or how different life might be if things were different. But once you have time to process your hurt and anger fully, you can accept the reality of what is, instead of what you wish it could be.
Think about the person that hurt you. It doesn’t really matter if they did it intentionally or not. The thing you should be focusing on is the fact that they aren’t perfect. They are flawed, just like you. They may not have realized they were hurting you. And, if they did something on purpose, it’s likely they had a “need” that had to be met. Maybe they struggle with insecurity. Maybe their own life isn’t great. Putting yourself in their shoes for a moment can make it easier to forgive and move on.
Look for a Lesson to be Learned
Although I don't know that I subscribe to the "everything happens FOR a reason" philosophy, I DO believe that we can give purpose and meaning to our painful experiences. Consider what you might learn from this experience - do you need to be more assertive? Do you trust others easily and allow yourself to be vulnerable too quickly before they have earned that right? Do you cut people off quickly and perhaps could benefit from learning to forgive and negotiate your needs better? Or perhaps the opposite - forgive too easily and need to learn to let go of toxic people?
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to keep them in your life. In some cases, that works really well and friendships/relationships can be stronger than ever. In other cases, letting someone go completely is the best thing you can do for your mental health.
Contact Me
If you’re struggling to forgive others or you want to learn more, feel free to contact me. By practicing forgiveness, you’re allowing yourself to take another step forward without the heavy baggage dragging you back to darker places. Let’s work on ways to do that, together.
I know how stressful and demanding it can be to make changes in your life, but you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Some of the benefits of individual therapy include:
- Having a safe, confidential space to work through life’s struggles
- Speaking openly with a highly-trained professional
- Learning to be curious about oneself and become more mindful about your choices
- Identifying relationship patterns that are helpful, or existing patterns that are interfering with your growth and wellbeing.
- I offer online therapy (video conference style of therapy), which provides an increased level of comfort as you could meet with me from the privacy and comfort of your own home or other location.
You can request a specific appointment time that fits your schedule. Once confirmed, you can complete all New Patient Intake paperwork online as well.
*** The tips offered in this article are for general information and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. For more personalized recommendations appropriate to your individual situation, please contact us or obtain professional guidance.
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