It takes a lot of courage and empathy to forgive someone after they’ve hurt you. Sometimes, we also have to forgive ourselves for the times when we’ve made mistakes. Forgiving ourselves for our past mistakes is one of the most challenging things we can do. But there will come a time in your life when you need to look in the mirror and say, “I forgive you.”
How can we be accountable while still being forgiving and gentle with ourselves? Can we learn how to move past our mistakes and the times we have let ourselves and other people down? And can we do the same for others? Yes, if we learn to practice self-compassion. Here is why self-compassion and forgiveness go hand in hand.
Realistic Expectations aid Forgiveness
We need to have realistic expectations for ourselves and the people in our lives. Giving ourselves space to mess up sometimes is necessary.
But many people also find it easier to forgive their loved ones than themselves. Why is this?
There are moments when we hold ourselves to unrealistic standards, even if we would never expect the same from our loved ones. We think that if we forgive ourselves, we will lower our standards and disappoint others. But we do not need to expect more from ourselves than we do from our loved ones.
No Need for Perfection
Sometimes, we struggle to give ourselves the gift of forgiveness because we are perfectionists. We think that if we are not perfect, we are not worthy of love. And even if we don’t hold our loved ones to this impossible standard, we might beat ourselves up if we mess up even slightly.
Being a perfectionist is often an expression of fear. We fear that if we screw up, we won’t be worthy of compassion. Self-compassion begins with recognizing that you are still worthy of love, even if you’ve done something wrong.
Recognizing Your Humanity
To be compassionate towards yourself and forgive yourself for the things you’ve done wrong is to recognize your humanity. Making mistakes is merely part of being human.
Human beings can’t be perfect. We all have our flaws. And when we deny ourselves the gift of forgiveness, we fail to acknowledge our humanity, with all of our strengths and weakness. But having compassion for ourselves means accepting ourselves as a whole — flaws and mistakes included.
Accountability and Self-Acceptance
There may be times when you think that if you forgive yourself, you fail to hold yourself accountable for something that you did. You may get this same feeling when you want to forgive someone else in your life, but you worry that this will give them the impression that it is okay to hurt you in the same way again.
Being compassionate towards yourself and others means understanding that you can hold people (including yourself!) accountable for their actions while still forgiving them and moving on from what happened. You can offer compassion to the imperfect person (you or them) while not accepting similar behaviors moving forward.
Forgiveness improves Self-Love
Loving someone means being willing to forgive them sometimes. It means knowing that they are a human being who will fall short and still care for them when they do. We can have this same attitude toward ourselves. This mindset is a component of necessary self-love.
Consider developing some key phrases that help you capture this sentiment, such as:
- "Although I am imperfect and make mistakes, I am lovable as I am learning and growing every day." or
- "I will be gentle with myself and others as I take action to repair any damage done by my mistake." or
- "I trust my heart's good intent even when I make mistakes."
Contact Me
Have you struggled to be compassionate toward yourself when you needed it most? Do you feel like you need to forgive yourself or someone else for something that occurred a long time ago, but you haven’t been able to let go of it?
Often, talking to a therapist can help. Reach out to us today if you are interested in scheduling your first session.
I know how stressful and demanding it can be to make changes in your life, but you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Some of the benefits of individual therapy include:
- Having a safe, confidential space to work through life’s struggles
- Speaking openly with a highly-trained professional
- Learning to be curious about oneself and become more mindful about your choices
- Identifying relationship patterns that are helpful, or existing patterns that are interfering with your growth and wellbeing.
- I offer online therapy (video conference style of therapy), which provides increased level of comfort as you could meet with me from the privacy and comfort of your own home or other location.
You can request a specific appointment time that fits your schedule. Once confirmed, you can complete all New Patient Intake paperwork online as well.
*** The tips offered in this article are for general information and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. For more personalized recommendations appropriate to your individual situation, please contact us or obtain professional guidance.
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