Whether your divorce is new or its been a while, you may find yourself longing for a fresh start. A new you. Perhaps the difficulties of your relationship took a toll on your energy, perspective, and self-esteem. Or maybe, you need help seeing yourself clearly as a single person after years of couplehood.
Whatever your situation, it is possible to redefine yourself. While the core of you hasn't changed, every experience we go through in life adds to our sense of self. Being married was likely a big part of your identity and now that has changed.
You have new perspectives and ideas to offer and a lot more to discover about yourself. The following strategies can help you integrate those experiences into who you want to become:
Mourn Your Losses
Divorce was not the happily-ever-after goal you set on your wedding day. Thus, even if the end of your marriage was deemed necessary, your loss is real. You need and deserve to grieve it as such. This is an important step toward accepting the differences in your life moving forward.
Remember, you are grieving not just the end of the relationship, but of your identity IN that relationship, and all the future plans you thought you had together.
Make room for feelings of remorse, sadness, and uncertainty. You don’t need to dwell on them or beat yourself up. Most of all, grief honors your experience and helps you move on to healing.
Process Your Emotions
Beyond grief, redefining yourself requires honesty and self-reflection. It isn’t unusual to feel anxious, insecure, or angry. It can be challenging, but dealing with your feelings doesn't need to be depressing or demoralizing. In fact, with the guidance of a qualified therapist and the support of nonjudgmental, compassionate loved ones, you can navigate your emotions, gain insight regarding the course of your relationship, and discover more about the impact and nature of your emotional life than you previously realized.
Your emotions matter. Painful emotions can highlight what is missing in our life so that over time we can take action to better meet our needs. Moreover, you can then accurately lay the groundwork for a fulfilling future and lasting connections.
Pay Positive Attention to Yourself
Once you’ve gotten into the habit of honoring and processing your feelings, you can actively practice self-love and appreciation. Divorce feels like failure to many people. You, too, may find that you feel unworthy, unloveable, or unprepared for whatever comes next. That kind of anxiety can be crippling. Learning to notice and challenge unhelpful thoughts in your head is key to seeing yourself as purpose-filled personally, professionally, and socially.
Self-care is vital for seeing yourself as valuable and promoting the energy you need to successfully change direction. Talk to a therapist about what you can do to incorporate self-care meaningfully into your life. Embrace solitude and holistic recovery. Journaling, prayer or meditation, and healthy lifestyle choices are important first steps. These pursuits bolster positivity and expand your capacity to thrive and grow.
Get Authentic and Adventurous
Redefining anything means that you give new meaning to it. Redefining yourself means that you experience a shift in the way you think of yourself and the way you take charge of your life. Consider life after divorce a call to be your full and authentic self.
Why not ask yourself some probing and exciting questions: what do you like, what do you want to become, how do you want to live, and which roles do you want to release and/or take on?
In any relationship, we make compromise and sacrifice in order to benefit the couple-hood. Part of redefining yourself can also mean asking yourself what parts of you did you perhaps gradually give up over the years for the sake of the relationship? Did you give up time with friends, hobbies, a career? Did you compromise some of your assertiveness, independence, or other value that you can now reclaim?
Take new opportunities to look inward, without guilt or pressure to conform to anyone’s expectations. Try new things, jump into new roles. Life after divorce will definitely be a challenge. However, the process of refreshing your confidence, stamina, and creative spirit may be the adventure you never knew you needed.
Practice Your People Skills & Build Your Village
The truth is, divorce can reduce the population of your personal community. Perhaps you lost more friendships and connections than you expected. It hurts. It’s okay to feel the losses, just don’t let them fuel isolation or lead to depression.
Relationship building is important now and it needn’t be romantic until your ready. Instead, try to get out and reach out to others. Share yourself with safe encouragers and sympathetic listeners. Don’t be afraid to share your highs and lows. You will redefine yourself in more gratifying and complete ways with the input of supportive people in your corner.
Contact Me
Finally, if you’re struggling with life after your divorce, please read more about coping with life changes and transitions. Don’t hesitate to reach out soon. Contact me for a consultation and focus on taking care of yourself.
I know how stressful and demanding it can be to make changes in your life, but you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Some of the benefits of individual therapy include:
- Having a safe, confidential space to work through life’s struggles
- Speaking openly with a highly-trained professional
- Learning to be curious about oneself and become more mindful about your choices
- Identifying relationship patterns that are helpful, or existing patterns that are interfering with your growth and wellbeing.
- I offer online therapy (video conference style of therapy), which provides an increased level of comfort as you could meet with me from the privacy and comfort of your own home or other location.
You can request a specific appointment time that fits your schedule. Once confirmed, you can complete all New Patient Intake paperwork online as well.
*** The tips offered in this article are for general information and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. For more personalized recommendations appropriate to your individual situation, please contact us or obtain professional guidance.
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