Disagreeing without Being Disagreeable: How to disagree appropriately

Have you felt like as a culture we have lost the ability to civilly disagree with each other? Or have you noticed that in your relationships it seems like it is difficult to share different opinions and ideas without conflict? Well, it's possible to disagree without being disagreeable.

We can use some of the strategies below to bring civility back to our discussions. It still might be wise to take care in talking about politics at the dining room table at a holiday, but we can work on how we discuss our thoughts and opinions with others.

Seek to Understand Before Seeking to be Understood

Its human nature to want to be listened to and understood. Often we work so hard to get our points across to others, to have others understand our thoughts and feelings, that the other person may feel ignored or disregarded. This makes them feel frustrated and they work harder to be heard.

As each side works harder to have their perspective heard, the desire to listen and understand decreases. Instead, voices are raised, defensiveness increases and before we know it we have descended into what seems like a contentious argument.

Consider instead working on really communicating an interest in understanding what your friend, coworker, or loved one thinks and feels. This is a really good time to practice your active listening skills without judging. A few important things happen when you do this. First, the other person feels valued and accurately listened to. Second, you will have a more clear understanding of the other person's thoughts and feelings.

Validate, Validate, Validate

Ok, so does this mean falsely agreeing with your friend or loved one? Does this mean not being true to yourself? No, absolutely not. It IS accepting the other persons thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and experiences as being understandable or valid for them. It is taken the position internally that each of us has the right to have our own experiences and related thoughts, opinions, and feelings and then communicating that acknowledgment.

We communicate this by accurately reflecting back to that individual what they have said. We need to be able to understand their emotions and express an understanding of that emotional experience. Validation is experienced when you express back, respectfully, what you understood the other believes and feels without disparaging them or their ideas.

Disagree about Ideas not People

Maintain civility. You are not and do not need to be enemies. Keep in mind that there likely are more similarities than differences between you. The relationship is far more important than the topic of disagreement. Remind yourself of that.

Express your thoughts about the topic- do not label the person. Stay away from being insulting. Instead, acknowledge their opinions, and express your thoughts in a respectful way. You might say, "It sounds like you think.... and feel... about....., that is an interesting idea. Do I understand where you are coming from? I appreciate your opinion". Then express your opinion and be willing to agree to disagree.

Find Common Ground

Often we may find that we agree about more than we think. Adopting an attitude of trying to find common ground often illuminates such similarities. As you keep this in mind, you likely will find commonalities and be able to verbalize some agreement.

This decreases contentiousness and instead promotes openness to each other. This can make for a more positive and pleasant discussion. We can create a sense of acceptance for our differences while discovering our "linkages"-those similarities in our beliefs or desires that serve as a bridge over the waters of disagreement.

Verbalize the commonalities. It communicates positive regard, helps promote friendship and connection, and can lead to deeper connections.

Part Ways as Friends

We have far too much division in our society, which can infect our close relationships as well. We label each other as members of political parties, races, religious affiliation, and various other demographic "identities." Although those may be important aspects of who we are or what we believe, we can also find ways to preserve our connections to others.

If we make the effort to seek to understand each other; acknowledge or validate each other's thoughts, feelings, and experiences; disagree about the ideas and not attack the person; find our common ground, and chose to part ways as friends rather than enemies we may have less contentiousness in our life and have better relationships with others. Who knows, we might even learn something new!

Contact Me

If you would like to discuss how to implement any of these ideas, don't hesitate to reach out.

I know how stressful and demanding it can be to make changes in your life, but you don’t have to figure it out on your own.   Some of the benefits of individual therapy include:

• Having a safe, confidential space to work through life’s struggles
• Speaking openly with a highly-trained professional
• Learning to be curious about oneself and become more mindful about your choices
• Identifying relationship patterns that are helpful, or existing patterns that are interfering with your growth and wellbeing.
• I offer online therapy (video conference style of therapy), which provides an increased level of comfort as you could meet with me from the privacy and comfort of your own home or other location.

*** The tips offered in this article are for general information and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. For more personalized recommendations appropriate to your individual situation, please contact us or obtain professional guidance.

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