All relationships have conflict. Marital conflict is typical. Healthy relationships have conflict and are able to regulate its intensity and also repair with more ease and effectiveness. Conflict can also help address issues and related relationship and individual needs. So its important not to be afraid of having conflict as a couple, but rather to regulate how you address difference and have successful and meaningful repair experiences afterwards. In this article, I will discuss some of the skills and approaches needed to heal after conflict.
Don't Make it Worse
It is important to realize that each of you is hurt and/or angry. The primary need immediately after an argument is to calm yourself BEFORE trying to process the disagreement -- this is called emotional regulation. Trying to process the disagreement when you are still emotionally activated is likely to reactivate the battle versus lead to reconciliation and deeper understanding.
Both you and your partner should give each other the respect of time to calm. This could be 15-20 minutes long or longer, but should not last hours. This ought to be understood for what it is versus being or becoming a "cold war" of stonewalling. As a couple, agree before you have any conflict that each of you deserves time to cool off and "emotionally sober-up". Let your partner know directly but calmly that this is what you are needing. During that time, purposefully shift your focus away from reviewing the details of the conflict, and instead intentionally calm yourself -- go for a walk or run, do some deep breathing, meditate, play a video game, read a book--anything in your repertoire that relaxes you for your next responsibility.
Ask yourself, "Am I ready to calmly discuss this and see it from both sides?" "Am I willing to acknowledge that both of our realities are important -- it's not actually "just the facts".
Apologize
Provide your partner with an authentic apology. You may still disagree and may also feel hurt by your partner. Your apology is for how YOU hurt your partner in the argument. This needs to be a sincere and non-defensive apology. The validation that comes from a genuine apology soothes pain and increases openness. It is important for healing the rift, and sets the tone for reconciliation. It is important to have the humility to know that you have likely hurt your partner regardless of whether or not you feel you were in the right.
Acknowledge if you spoke too harshly, said hurtful words, or were disrespectful, for example. In preparing for the apology you will find that you may notice yourself calm more as you are not just focusing on your injuries as you are also noticing your role in the conflict.
The Dialog: The Listener
So you have calmed, you have determined that you can process the incident from both your perspective and your partners, you have apologized for your part in the escalation into conflict. You are home free...Well, now comes the deeper processing of the conflict or the dialog.
I use this motto for this step: Seek to understand before you seek to be understood. Listening to your partner is not a casual or placating event to set up the opportunity for you to speak, but rather an effort to more deeply understand your partner's reality. You do not get to define that for them. Understand it from their experience. Validate their experiences and perspective. "Now that I truly understand it from your vantage point, I can understand why you would feel that way."
Give the speaker time to say what they need to say. Try to focus on understanding the content and the feelings. See if you can understand what your partner is needing from you or wishing for.
The Dialog: The Speaker
During this dialog effort, the two of you decide who will be the speaker and who will be the listener. The speaker speaks calmly and clearly. No criticisms of the other, but use "I-statements". Start off just explaining how you felt regarding the event and what you needed. "I felt hurt and alone when it seemed like you took my business partner's side." Then discuss what you wanted or needed. "I wanted to feel like you were on my side when my partner challenged me at dinner. Maybe in the future you could wait until we are alone to discuss your thoughts if you disagree with me?"
It is important at this step that you stay in the present. Address the incident at hand. This may be a pattern of behavior and yet discussing this incident only makes it more manageable and more likely to be heard. Avoid criticisms (labels) and generalizations such as always and never.
Validate, Validate, Validate
I cannot express how important validation is and we need a little time to discuss it. Validation is not agreement. You are validating their experience. You are acknowledging their reality, respecting their reality of the experience, and reflecting back to them your understanding. Do this by summarizing what you heard them say, and saying it back to them for clarification. Then you acknowledge how you could understand how they would feel this way from THEIR perspective.
Validation is also a chance to reflect your understanding, seek clarification, and then before you move on to ask if there is anything else that needs to be understood. Keep this process going until you have a rather complete understanding of your partners experience, feelings, and wishes/needs.
Ask questions, show interest, express a desire to understand and show compassion. This helps your partner feel valued, safe, and loved.
We not Only Me
So there are three entities in relationships. There is your partner, you, and the relationship. The relationship can serve to meet some of your mutual needs either directly or through support. So it is important that we identify and have more clarity as to what each of you need/want and what would be best for the relationship. This is necessary to identify what compromises may need to be made to serve all three entities.
Summarize, from this incident, what you think your partner needed and wanted. What you learned made this need important to your partner, and what specific request was made. It maybe helpful to even to consider writing these needs down for each of you and the relationship. This is another chance to clarify, show interest and valuing of your partner's needs, and to validate. Identify and verbalize your needs and wants. These cannot and should not be demands.
If these needs and wants are one's that you feel you cannot fully meet, discuss this and why. Do the requests violate your values? Do they put too much of a demand or weight on you? Do they seem unreasonable? If so, state what you can and cannot do to address your partners needs in a kind and easy going manner. If you cannot find a compromise you may need to accept the limits of your partner and try to focus on other ways your relationship provides happiness and satisfaction. We will focus, in another blog, on unresolvable differences in relationships.
Prevention
It is important to discuss how you may be able to navigate through future conflicts more effectively in the future as a preventative measure. Should we make sure we have no distractions. Should we avoid certain triggers. Maybe ask your partner what might be one thing that you could do to make such an incident better next time and visa versa. End by asking if your partner feels that the conflict can be laid to rest and if he or she is okay moving on with what has been discussed.
Remember, non-violent and non-aggressive conflict is typical. It can be a way in which we draw closer to each other through the process of understanding each other, expressing empathy, and supporting each other's needs when we can. The key is to manage the intensity of emotion, listen deeply, express clearly and without criticism, make reasonable requests, be open, and learn from each conflict.
Contact Me
I know how stressful and demanding it can be to make changes in your life, but you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Some of the benefits of individual therapy include:
- Having a safe, confidential space to work through life’s struggles
- Speaking openly with a highly-trained professional
- Learning to be curious about oneself and become more mindful about your choices
- Identifying relationship patterns that are helpful, or existing patterns that are interfering with your growth and wellbeing.
- I offer online therapy (video conference style of therapy), which provides an increased level of comfort as you could meet with me from the privacy and comfort of your own home or other location.
You can request a specific appointment time that fits your schedule. Once confirmed, you can complete all New Patient Intake paperwork online as well.
*** The tips offered in this article are for general information and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. For more personalized recommendations appropriate to your individual situation, please contact us or obtain professional guidance.
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