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It is easy to lose touch with our authentic self. Far too often, people think they can’t be who they truly are. Maybe it’s fear holding you back. Or, you might be uncertain whether people will like and accept you. Expectations tend to dictate how we act, especially around others. Unfortunately, that makes it easy for our authentic selves to sink into the background. In some cases, you might completely lose sight of who you really are.
That can leave you feeling empty, lonely, and even depressed or anxious.
Thankfully, there are things you can do to find your authentic self again. That means letting go of expectations and who you think you’re supposed to be. Authenticity means knowing your basic values and priorities, strengths and weakness, and having confidence that you are "okay as you are, while working on your rough edges." Being more authentic often equates to more happiness. So, knowing how to begin your journey is incredibly important.
Let’s dive into how you can begin.
Find Out What You’re Afraid Of
Again, it’s often fear that holds people back from being their true selves. So, ask yourself what you’re really afraid of. Maybe you’re afraid of feeling rejected or abandoned. Or, maybe you think your authentic self would create conflict in your relationships. Whatever the case, this should be your starting point. Once you recognize your fears, you can work on conquering them.
Knowing the Downsides and Costs of Not Being Authentic
Once you understand the fear holding you back, consider how you might feel if you keep your authentic self hidden. Although risking your feared outcome (criticism, rejection, conflict) is quite uncomfortable, not being your authentic self also comes with a price to pay. This price is often overlooked.
However, if you acknowledge the price you pay for holding back, it can shift your motivation towards a willingness to risk facing your fear. So how will you feel if you continue to hold back? Chances are, you’ll become frustrated and angry with yourself. You might even end up feeling more anxious or depressed because you’re constantly having to put on a show. You may feel resentful that others "hold you back or won't let you be you" when you haven't tested that out. All of that emotional baggage can be exhausting.
In the end, it not only hurts you from you not being your true self, but it also hurts others who are missing out on what your authentic self can offer them and the world. Perhaps they too are hiding behind a mask or have lost their sense of authentic self. Lead by example and show them that we all benefit from living more authentically. Let that be the spark that triggers you to find yourself again.
How to Be Your Authentic Self
If you’re ready to let your authentic self truly shine and be who you are, you’ve already taken the first step toward a better future.
But, if you don’t know how to get started, keep in mind that it is a constant learning and growing process. You’re not going to “change” overnight. Our authentic self at 40 will be different than our authentic self at 20 (or at least I hope it will based on learning and refining our values and priorities!) Some tips to keep in mind include:
- Doing something every day that aligns with your values and priorities (perhaps you really value the concept of continued learning, but haven't made time to read a single page from that stack of books on your nightstand).
- Journal about times in your life when you felt truly at peace and happy - what were you doing then? Chances are you were living more authentically and "free" rather than editing yourself and monitoring your surroundings for criticism or approval. Spend time savoring those memories and how you felt, so that you can recognize when you are doing the opposite! How long has it been since you engaged in those activities? How can you fit them back into your life?
- Setting personal boundaries (is there someone in your life that intrudes on your time, energy, or resources? Perhaps you would benefit from pulling back a bit or saying "Not right now" to a few requests or invitations that eat up your valuable time/energy.
- Not putting up with verbal/emotional abuse over who you are - even if it is not said directly, who in your life makes you feel like you have to monitor yourself and edit who you are to be acceptable?
- Speaking up for yourself
- Connecting your feelings to what you say and do (being consistent, congruent, and genuine).
If you’re looking at that list and feeling a bit overwhelmed, that’s okay. Again, these changes won’t happen immediately. You didn’t feel the need to let go of your true self in one day, and you won’t get it back in one day, either.
But, if you make a commitment to finding your authentic self again, these suggestions can help. You may find that, over time, you’re willing to be bolder when it comes to each of the tips listed above. Whether that means speaking up more at work or calling out toxic people in your life, those moments will start to come out more frequently.
Recognize those moments as they happen. Let them serve as fuel for you to keep going and reaching your goal to be true to yourself.
If you’re still struggling or you need some guidance when it comes to tapping into your authentic self again, please reach out. This is a journey, and it’s one you don’t have to go through alone.
Contact Me
I know how stressful and demanding it can be to make changes in your life, but you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Some of the benefits of individual therapy include:
- Having a safe, confidential space to work through life’s struggles
- Speaking openly with a highly-trained professional
- Learning to be curious about oneself and become more mindful about your choices
- Identifying relationship patterns that are helpful, or existing patterns that are interfering with your growth and wellbeing.
- I offer online therapy (video conference style of therapy), which provides an increased level of comfort as you could meet with me from the privacy and comfort of your own home or other location.
You can request a specific appointment time that fits your schedule. Once confirmed, you can complete all New Patient Intake paperwork online as well.
*** The tips offered in this article are for general information and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. For more personalized recommendations appropriate to your individual situation, please contact us or obtain professional guidance.
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