Some people think of being assertive as the same as being aggressive. They might not want to “come off” a certain way, so they hold themselves back from speaking what’s really on their heart and mind. The reality? Assertiveness is often helpful.
But, that doesn’t make it easy for some of us to be more assertive in daily conversations. You might worry about offending others, or feel like you’re being “mean”.
Unfortunately, when you aren’t ever assertive, it’s easy for people to walk all over you or think they can get away with treating you poorly.
So, how do you find a balance between being assertive and not being “demanding”? How can you find your voice? It’s easier than you might think if you’re willing to put some concrete steps in place.
Assertiveness is Expressing Your True Feelings
If you’ve chosen to avoid being assertive, you might be used to people treating you a certain way. But, you’re still a person with feelings and emotions. When you’re treated unfairly, it can hurt.
You can use those emotions as a gateway into finding your voice by speaking up about how you feel.
For example, if someone at work always assumes you’ll finish their projects for them because you’ve never said no, let today be the day you change that. Say something like “when you throw your extra work on me, I feel mistreated and unappreciated because you’re getting the credit while expecting me to do your job.”
You can use the same approach in your romantic relationships, familial relationships, and friendships. If you feel a certain way – positive or negative – talk about it. You’ll quickly get used to finding your voice about your feelings because they’re a part of you.
Then, you can move to the next step.
Assertiveness is Asking for Changed Behaviors
Once you’re comfortable expressing how you feel and finding your voice in that way, you can start to ask for change.
Talking about your feelings is a great start. But, it’s not often assertive enough to get people to stop their behaviors. When those behaviors are harmful or damaging to you in any way, it’s time to speak up.
Using the same example as before, you could finish your statement by saying something like, “Please don’t expect me to do your work for you anymore.”
That’s not a mean or unkind statement. It’s not harsh or demanding or aggressive.
It’s assertive.
Assertiveness puts boundaries in place. It protects you. It allows you to speak your truth without being overly aggressive about it.
How to Find Your Voice
So, how do you start being more assertive?
While the above examples are great, it can take some steps to get there. Even something as simple as expressing your feelings can take time and practice. Thankfully, there are techniques you can use every day to help find your voice, including:
- Using more “I” statements
- Practicing saying “no”
- Understanding your emotions
- Rehearsing the things you want to say
Don’t push yourself to the point of discomfort. You don’t have to take a leap into assertiveness. Give yourself time and show self-compassion. You’ll start to see your confidence grow each day. The more you practice, the better you’ll become.
Finding your voice is incredibly important. It will keep you from getting “stepped on” and will actually make your professional and personal relationships healthier, in the long run.
But, if you’re still struggling, you don’t have to do it alone. Please read more about anxiety therapy and reach out for help. Learn more strategies and solutions that can help you to be more assertive with the people in your life. When you’ve finally found your voice, you might be surprised just how much of a difference it makes in how you feel.
Contact Me
If you’d like to learn more or you’re looking for more about working through anxiety and being more assertive, feel free to contact me to set up an appointment.
Want to be a better listener and improve your listening skills? Feel like you’re dealing with some obstacles in your personal relationships, and wish you could close the distance? Therapy can help you develop a healthy communication style. Contact us today to schedule your first session.
I know how stressful and demanding it can be to make changes in your life, but you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Some of the benefits of individual therapy include:
- Having a safe, confidential space to work through life’s struggles
- Speaking openly with a highly-trained professional
- Learning to be curious about oneself and become more mindful about your choices
- Identifying relationship patterns that are helpful, or existing patterns that are interfering with your growth and wellbeing.
- I offer online therapy (video conference style of therapy), which provides an increased level of comfort as you could meet with me from the privacy and comfort of your own home or other location.
You can request a specific appointment time that fits your schedule. Once confirmed, you can complete all New Patient Intake paperwork online as well.
*** The tips offered in this article are for general information and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. For more personalized recommendations appropriate to your individual situation, please contact us or obtain professional guidance.
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