We can all sympathize with a friend who cancels plans because of a sick day. Few people expect a sick friend to show up for coffee! Anxiety, unfortunately, doesn’t always work the same way. When we need to cancel plans because we feel anxious, it can be easy to worry we just look flaky—from the outside, we probably seem fine, even if we’re freaking out in our heads. Of course, a canceled date here and there won’t be a problem, but if anxiety is a constant cause of canceled plans, it’s important we take care to be clear with our loved ones.
Anyone who’s experienced moderate to severe anxiety knows that it can feel as bad or worse than the flu—you just can’t settle down. Your stomach is in knots, your limbs are tingling, it’s hard to breath, you can’t sleep etc. Anxiety can physically manifest in many ways, and none of them are comfortable! When our anxiety gets really bad, it can be hard to imagine getting out of the house. Even if we were looking forward to plans with our favorite friends.
However, many of the signs of anxiety may not be easily seen by others, unlike a fever, sneezing, etc. This makes it harder for others to understand why we keep canceling plans. It may seem like we are just unreliable or uninterested.
Maybe it’s fine the first time we cancel going to a party because we’re feeling jittery. When this happens again and again, though, our friends might become frustrated, and this can make our anxiety even worse. We may start to worry they think that we’re a flake, that we’re a bad friend, or that they’ll assume we don’t want to spend time with them anymore.
Name it!
To avoid anxiety becoming a barrier in our friendships, it’s important to focus on open and clear communication. Rather than letting the misunderstandings from canceled plans pile up, it’s important we take responsibility for what we are experiencing. Rather than being vague about “not feeling well,” be honest that your anxiety is making it hard to show up.
If you need to cancel, be clear about your reasons and how you’r feeling. Most likely, they’ll understand if you’re honest about your anxiety. Rather than just not showing up or letting them down last minute, be open about your feelings as early as possible. This can help your friends see your efforts and assure them you’re not just flaking.
For example, if you’re uncertain when you receive an invitation, let them know that you might not make it but you’ll come if you can. That way, they know that you want to, but they’ll be more understanding if you can’t show up.
Be Flexible & Problem Solve
Anxiety makes us think in all or none scenarios – either we comfortably go with no anxiety, or we cancel plans and stay home. Defeat this anxiety trap by looking for alternatives.
Maybe a party is too much for you, but you can meet up with them in a quieter venue. If leaving the house feels like too much, offer to have them over. If your anxiety is worse at the end of the day when you are tired and depleted, opt for mid-day activities. Most likely, what’s important isn’t what you’re doing: just that you’re doing it together. Most friends will be happy to change plans when they know and understand what’s making you uncomfortable.
Try reaching out first
If you have cancelled plans multiple times, your friends may quit inviting you if they mistakenly think you are not interested in seeing them. To keep this from happening, try to text or call your friend unprompted. Even if you can’t see them in person, make sure to put time in in whatever form you can manage at the moment. They might be upset that you had to cancel plans, but reaching out can assure them that you do really care and that you’re thinking of them.
If you’re upfront about how you’re feeling, chances are, your friends will feel closer to you. Trust is a valuable part of any relationship, and if we’re honest with others, they’ll know that we care about them. Anxiety can be
overwhelming, and it might feel like everything is just too much. If we take a breath, though, and are honest and open, most likely our friends will return the same treatment.
Contact Me
I know how stressful and demanding it can be to make changes in your life, but you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Some of the benefits of individual therapy include:
- Having a safe, confidential space to work through life’s struggles
- Speaking openly with a highly-trained professional
- Learning to be curious about oneself and become more mindful about your choices
- Identifying relationship patterns that are helpful, or existing patterns that are interfering with your growth and wellbeing.
- I offer online therapy (video conference style of therapy), which provides an increased level of comfort as you could meet with me from the privacy and comfort of your own home or other location.
You can request a specific appointment time that fits your schedule. Once confirmed, you can complete all New Patient Intake paperwork online as well.
*** The tips offered in this article are for general information and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. For more personalized recommendations appropriate to your individual situation, please contact us or obtain professional guidance.
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