There are things you can do in your daily life that make anger easier to handle. There are also habits that can make it worse. Not only can those habits cause you to become angry more often, but they can make your bouts of anger more intense for everyone.
So, what can you do to get a better handle on your anger? One of the best things is to avoid those anger-inducing habits. Understanding what they are and how they affect you is a good place to start.
1. Blaming Others Intensifies Anger
You might think it’s easier to put the blame of your anger on someone else, no matter the situation. At the time, it can alleviate guilt and make you feel as though you haven’t done anything wrong.
But, externalizing blame doesn’t put you in control. In fact, it places you in the role of victim. It removes the control from you, because you are putting your issues on someone else. You may not be able to control your feelings of anger, but you can control how you react and respond. Taking accountability for it is important.
2. Stoking the Fire of Your Anger
Do you find yourself always bringing up situations or occurrences that made you angry before?
If a situation has passed, let it pass. It might still upset you, but bringing it up over and over again will only make you more upset.
Reflect long enough to discern if there is something to learn from that situation, but then try to let it go. Some issues are able to be resolved. Others are not. By consistently stoking the fire and bringing up the same issues, you’ll never give yourself a chance to let go of that anger.
3. Retaliating
By retaliating on the person you’re angry with, you’re not going to make yourself feel better. In fact, you will probably only make the situation worse and continue to fuel your anger even more. Although you may feel justified in taking angry action, you have now given the other person reason to feel mistreated. It’s a vicious cycle that will never achieve a resolution or peaceful ending.
4. Displacing Your Anger
So, you may be pretty good at not directing your anger back to the source person. However, you might find yourself lashing out against family members or friends, even if they have nothing to do with your anger.
This has sometimes been called the "kick the dog/cat syndome" - maybe you feel mistreated by your boss, so you come home and kick the dog (or punch a wall, or yell at your spouse/kids). You temporarily feel more powerful, but at what costs?
Displacing your anger can be a dangerous habit to get into. Just because you’re upset, taking it out on those closest to you can have a negative impact on your relationship. If you lash out at your children, they may even start to fear you or feel as though they have to ‘walk on eggshells’ around you.
Additionally, by directing your anger at the wrong source, you never learn how to either assertively problem solve with the source, or forgive and let go so that you can move on. You just spread the toxic energy you feel onto others who are like "innocent by-standers" or "collateral damage" to your problem.
5. Not Growing and Learning
By remaining locked in your anger (blaming others, feeding it, retaliating or displacing), you miss out on an opportunity to learn and grow. Remember, angry feelings are not necessarily unhealthy! They are a data point that alerts you that "something isn't right here." Try to sit with the anger long enough to notice any patterns. Consider things like:
- What triggered your anger?
- What other feelings are behind the anger - hurt, fear, or frustration?
- Is the anger a sign that you need to learn how to set better boundaries with certain people?
- Do you become more easily when you are overly tired, lonely, depleted, etc? Perhaps focusing on more self-care will help you not feel so raw and reactive.
- Are there any patterns to your feelings and actions?
- How can you take more control?
No one wants to be angry all of the time or “blow up” on people they care about. The good news, again, is that anger can absolutely be within your control. You choose how to respond to things, even if that isn’t always easy to do.
If you struggle with anger and you want to change your habits that might be fueling it, feel free to contact me. Together, we can work on quitting those habits and focusing on healthier ones that can help you to get your anger under control.
Contact Me
If you’re struggling with anger and want to learn how to manage it better, feel free to contact me with any questions or to set up an appointment.
I know how stressful and demanding it can be to make changes in your life, but you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Some of the benefits of individual therapy include:
- Having a safe, confidential space to work through life’s struggles
- Speaking openly with a highly-trained professional
- Learning to be curious about oneself and become more mindful about your choices
- Identifying relationship patterns that are helpful, or existing patterns that are interfering with your growth and wellbeing.
- I offer online therapy (video conference style of therapy), which provides an increased level of comfort as you could meet with me from the privacy and comfort of your own home or other location.
You can request a specific appointment time that fits your schedule. Once confirmed, you can complete all New Patient Intake paperwork online as well.
*** The tips offered in this article are for general information and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. For more personalized recommendations appropriate to your individual situation, please contact us or obtain professional guidance.