No one wants to experience pain or suffering. Just as we are hard wired to physically recoil from a hot stove, we are hard wired to want to avoid emotional pain and heartache. Yet, sometimes we find ourselves stuck "marinating" in the misery or making our pain more miserable in the way we address it.
At times, it can feel as though emotional pain hits harder than physical harm. And most of us realize that the damage lasts longer as it lingers in our minds.
But, that doesn’t mean you have to focus on that prolonged pain. You don’t need to suffer and let it control your life. With that in mind, let’s talk more about the Buddhist concept referred to as the “second arrow of suffering”, and how you can opt-out of prolonged pain.
Accepting Pain When it Comes
Although no one wants pain, accepting it as something inevitable is actually productive. In other words, if you can accept that you will have to go through seasons of hurt, that can actually make it easier. Often, the agent or cause of our pain is beyond your control. Internally thinking or demanding that we shouldn't have distress or hard times amplifies the pain.
Maybe someone close to you passes away. Maybe you’ve lost your job, or you’re dealing with a broken relationship. All of those things can be extremely painful. But, they’re also not always something you can prevent or resolve. When you push back against situations like these by not accepting the pain that comes with them, you could be doing more harm than good.
The Second Arrow of Suffering
According to Buddha, the second arrow is the one you control. His parable suggests that if you get stricken with an arrow, there is nothing you can do about it. But, the second arrow is your reaction to the first, and the one you have some influence and control over. If you aren't mindful to your own reactions, that second arrow can be even more painful than the original shot.
Many people take this story to mean that pain is inevitable, which it is, but that suffering is optional. That might not necessarily be completely true, as there will be times in life where suffering is appropriate and unavoidable. However, this philosophy is helpful to point out how we often make our suffering much worse based on how we think about the loss or injury. .
You don’t have to block out feelings of pain completely when it’s an appropriate response. But, immediate reactions deserve a second look.
Taking Control of Your Reactions Limits Unnecessary Suffering
If something painful occurs in your life, how you handle it can make a big difference in how much it actually affects you.
If you get diagnosed with a disease, for example, you have to accept that diagnosis and everything that comes with it. You will absolutely grieve this reality and wish that it wasn't something you are going through. But, if you get stuck there and metaphorically stomp your feet, get angry, and say that life isn’t fair, it will leave you less able to actually deal with the illness and treatment.
The same thing is true if you lose your job, your relationship, or someone important to you in your life. A loss is a loss, and it’s important to take time to grieve. But, don’t put yourself in a state that prolongs your own pain. In the end, you’re literally only hurting yourself.
It is not easy to accept reality when it goes so contrary to our plans and wishes and hard work. You will have genuine emotions that are appropriate and painful. I am not suggesting that you become a robot without feelings of hurt and loss. The first arrow hurts! The goal is to not complicate and intensify our pain by insisting that it didn't happen.
Do you struggle with the ‘second arrow’? Do you have a hard time controlling your reactions when you experience pain? Perhaps you react too quickly or don’t give yourself a moment to accept that pain for what it is.
If that sounds like you, you certainly aren’t alone. But, you also don’t need to live with that prolonged pain.
Please contact me for more information about how you can opt-out of prolonged suffering. It can take some time to change your habits and the way you react. But, when you’re able to do so, you can focus on the things you can control and let go of the things you can’t.
Contact Me
If you would like help in developing or implementing any of these ideas, please reach out to me.
I know how stressful and demanding it can be to make changes in your life, but you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Some of the benefits of individual therapy include:
- Having a safe, confidential space to work through life’s struggles
- Speaking openly with a highly-trained professional
- Learning to be curious about oneself and become more mindful about your choices
- Identifying relationship patterns that are helpful, or existing patterns that are interfering with your growth and wellbeing.
- I offer online therapy (video conference style of therapy), which provides an increased level of comfort as you could meet with me from the privacy and comfort of your own home or other location.
You can request a specific appointment time that fits your schedule. Once confirmed, you can complete all New Patient Intake paperwork online as well.
You can request a specific appointment time that fits your schedule. Once confirmed, you can complete all New Patient Intake paperwork online as well.
*** The tips offered in this article are for general information and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. For more personalized recommendations appropriate to your individual situation, please contact us or obtain professional guidance.
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